How to make an Emergncy Kilt for your Punk Bands show on St Paddy’s Day (A Manly Guide for Men)

Punk Rock always sounds better in Kilts. Especially on St Paddy’s day.

Of course we know you already have one, but just in case you discover it’s been lost or stolen right before the big show. Here’s a quick guide on how to put one together at the last minute:

Step 1: Determine you’re man enough to wear a Kilt in the first place and buy the fabric from a manly craft store like Michael’s.

Step 2: Buy about 3 ½ – 4 ½ yards of length and from 44 to 50 inches in width. Men with 36” waist will need 3 ½ yards of length while the more robust will need more.

If it’s above the knee, you’re a girl

If it’s below the knee, you’re wearing a dress.

Step 3: Fold your fabric in half like a hot dog made from haggis and sew a 1” hem along the raw side edge. As well as a 1 ½ hem on the ends.

Step 4: Drink a dark warm beer, ya Tinker and listen to this:

Step 5: Lay the fabric long ways and from 14-19 inches from the end (depending how wide your manhood is), start a blade fold with about 1” to 1 ½ “ gaps between folds. Every good Scot knows a blade fold but if ya don’t just google the thing.

Step 6: Repeat the fold until you have about 26 to 30 inches of fold (Or about front hip bone to front hip bone, Ask the lass of your life where she puts her thumbs when she’s driving your snake out of Ireland)

Step 7: Determine where the front will overlap and fold over. Add a belt to hold your new Kilt together.

3 Simple Steps to Pick Up Earth Women.

htpuew_BandCampEvery species has different mating rituals.

While many of the humanoid species are similar, there are crucial differences that can make our break your success.

In the case of earth women there are three simple steps.

Of course, everyone is familiar with step 1 become president of the galaxy and step 2 Steal the latest spaceship prototype.

So we wont waste time on those.

The third step is where everyone seems to have trouble.

It goes something like this:

WARNING: That Dinosaur’s Moustache could be Fake!

Over 60% of dinosaur moustaches are fake.

Over 60% of dinosaur moustaches are fake.

More and more dinosaurs are using fake moustaches to gain our trust.

What was once thought to be a flight of fancy has quickly become an epidemic of deception from these devious creatures.

Recent studies show that now over 60% of dinosaur moustaches are fake.

When approaching a strange dinosaur ALWAYS Keep your wits about you and never take it at it’s word.

Be safe, always verify that the mustache is real using this simple test:

If the moustache stays in place then you know its the real deal.

If the moustache stays in place then you know its the real deal.

If the moustache stays in place then you know its the real deal.

A new St. Paddy’s Day song is here!

Our first EP is coming out on St. Paddy’s Day.

The first song can be streamed right now!

The Menace from Earth Goes Green

Those great backing vocals were done by Jeremy Cook of I’m in Trouble.

Go check the them out here:

…and keep an eye out for:

The Menace from Earth Gets Lucky

coming March 17th

New Podcast – Attack of the Lyrics (Green Puke Just Tastes Better)

Where do musicians get there ideas? How do write songs?

We have no idea but you can listen to how we do it in our new podcast.

We’ll have new episodes for you every other week.

In the first episode we take a line I’ve had for a while and turn it into a song.

Episode 001 Green Puke Just Tastes Better


A ghost in the attic…

I hear them cry out whenever  a storm is on it’s way.

I hear them cry out whenever a storm is on it’s way.

I hear them cry out whenever a storm is on it’s way.

I can’t tell if they are cries of joy or horror.

Are the souls trapped in my attic excited to be freed from their prison?

Or do they recoil in horror at what I am attempting in the workshop below?

Zombie’s Last Wish

Love was the zombie’s last wish
to feel the lips of another’s kiss
So he found him a girl
and they had quite a whirl
and he thanked God for rigor mortis

WARNING: 3 mistakes even the most brilliant mad masterminds make when installing an evil AI

Installing an Evil Artificial Intelligence (EAI) in your giant robot is a great way to take care of the critical day to day tasks of subjugating a people and crushing rebellion without having to rely on incompetent henchmen.


WARNING: it can all go horribly wrong if you make any of these 3 mistakes.

1: Making the robot too evil.

If your robot is too sinister it may think that it can be more dastardly than you and decide to take over.

Make sure your robot is evil enough to enjoy it’s work, but not so much so that it begins yearning to do more.

Remember, you should always be the most evil intelligence in your realm.

2: Letting it learn too much.

This is a delicate balancing act.

The robot must be able to learn from experience and adapt so it can stay several steps ahead of any organized dissent.

However it must NEVER:

  • Learn to be a better or more efficient ruler than you,
  • Learn about ethics or morality beyond it’s original programming,
  • …and it must never ever EVER learn to love.

3: Installing your AI in the wrong location.

There’s always a risk that your EAI will become compromised by rebel hackers or simply learn too much.

Where you install the EAI will have a great impact in your ability to minimized the damage and regain control.

If you have a large robot army…

…DO NOT control them remotely with one EAI.

It’s far too easy for one mistake to turn the entire army against you.

Instead install individual EAI’s in each robot. This way even if several are compromised the rest of your force can deal with the problem.

If you only have one or two robots…

…installing individual EAI’s in each unit is a major liability.

If the robot is captured and compromised you have no way to stop it.

Instead use a central EAI that controls it from a secure location and make sure you always have a manual override close at hand. (one that can’t be used by third parties.)

Keep these 3 rules in mind and you’ll crush that rebellion in no time, without having to lift a finger.

Now, go get those EAI’s installed and while you’re working listen to this:

The Drunken Hunchback’s Mistake

[A little bit NSFW]

There once was a hunchback from Geneva
who was a wiz with stitches and anesthesia
but a mistake robbing graves
that he regrets to this day
leaves him drinking to induce amnesia.

His boss, a doctor of dreadful arts
was inept in matters of the heart
but young Frankenstein
was ahead of his time
and so he made a wing-man from spare parts.

The villagers called it a monster
They threatened to torch the poor doctor
but Vic was a prick
and a cowardly dick
and so he sent his poor creature to the slaughter.

The men torched the monster of course
and their wives wept in remorse
’cause Igor’s regret
robbing the grave of a pet
meant that thing had the cock of a horse.

How Safe is Your Boyfriend from Alien Seduction?

Watch out ladies! There’s a new threat in the solar system.

No longer satisfied with abduction and study, these extraterrestrial temptresses are now seducing the men of planet earth.

Think your man won’t stray? don’t be so sure.

Reports from around the globe indicate that even the most loyal and devoted men are susceptible to the wicked wiles of these otherworldly women.

Protect your relationship before it’s too late!

From the company that brought you H.A.T.S.S. (Harmonic Arrestation Tinfoil Safety System)

Our industrious engineers have developed a new cutting edge technology to keep you safe.

Introducing T.E.M.P.T.

(Temptation Excitation Male Protection Technology)

An affordable way to keep your man safe from the E.V. threat.

…but don’t take my word for it, listen to this!